A Constipation Miscommunication

Dear devout followers,

Thanks for reading. If you are not yet a devout follower, I recommend you become one. It’s big fun.

Anyway, I have no edge-of-your-seat gripping stories to report on since my last trip to Venice (which was gripping, and you can read all about it in my previous blog.) Instead, here is a short excerpt of conversation from my daily life to give you a short walk in my moccasins. Also, picture me speaking all of my lines in my special new language called “signtalian” (Sign Language and Italian.)

Me: (Sits down at breakfast table) “My stomach hurts” (Rubs stomach with pained expression)

Dad: “Do you need to use the bathroom?”

Me: “I want to, but I can’t.”

Dad: “Ahhhh.” (Offers many suggestions for thing I should eat to keep traffic flowing.)

(A few minutes later)

Dad: “When was the last time you went to the bathroom?”

Me: (Doesn’t understand and thinks the question was “How long have you felt this way?”)

“Just this morning.”

Dad: (Thinks I have only gone to the bathroom once in my entire stay in Italy and that was this morning)

“That’s impossible!”

(Yells to Mom and says I haven’t pooped since September)

We eventually cleared everything up (including my colon) and went on our happy way. For anybody who has spent time surrounded by your non-native tongue, you know exactly how I felt.

I just did a word count on the above writing and it was less than 250, so I feel like I’m cheating you out of some quality Kelton commentary if I call this a blog. To remedy this, I have included a short piece of my finest multimedia poetry.

The Meatball


Start with some fresh ground beef,

Fresher than rapper Chief Keef.


Then some eggs and I hope you’re not intolerant to lactose,

Because you’re pourin’ in some milk—trust me, it’s not gross.


Next step is to toss in some parmesan cheesy,

Don’t worry, it’s easy and breezy like Yeezy.


Go ahead and start the drums,

Cuz you thowin’ in garlic, parsley and breadcrumbs.


And cuz this ain’t no meal for shepherds,

You gotta Push It with Salt n Pepa!


Now simmer them for three hours in a fresh sauce,

Just be careful and don’t get lost.


Don’t you dare, serve them on spaghetti,

Because that’s an American thing, just like Fetty.


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