A Constipation Miscommunication

Dear devout followers,

Thanks for reading. If you are not yet a devout follower, I recommend you become one. It’s big fun.

Anyway, I have no edge-of-your-seat gripping stories to report on since my last trip to Venice (which was gripping, and you can read all about it in my previous blog.) Instead, here is a short excerpt of conversation from my daily life to give you a short walk in my moccasins. Also, picture me speaking all of my lines in my special new language called “signtalian” (Sign Language and Italian.)

Me: (Sits down at breakfast table) “My stomach hurts” (Rubs stomach with pained expression)

Dad: “Do you need to use the bathroom?”

Me: “I want to, but I can’t.”

Dad: “Ahhhh.” (Offers many suggestions for thing I should eat to keep traffic flowing.)

(A few minutes later)

Dad: “When was the last time you went to the bathroom?”

Me: (Doesn’t understand and thinks the question was “How long have you felt this way?”)

“Just this morning.”

Dad: (Thinks I have only gone to the bathroom once in my entire stay in Italy and that was this morning)

“That’s impossible!”

(Yells to Mom and says I haven’t pooped since September)

We eventually cleared everything up (including my colon) and went on our happy way. For anybody who has spent time surrounded by your non-native tongue, you know exactly how I felt.

I just did a word count on the above writing and it was less than 250, so I feel like I’m cheating you out of some quality Kelton commentary if I call this a blog. To remedy this, I have included a short piece of my finest multimedia poetry.

The Meatball

 

Start with some fresh ground beef,

Fresher than rapper Chief Keef.

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Then some eggs and I hope you’re not intolerant to lactose,

Because you’re pourin’ in some milk—trust me, it’s not gross.

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Next step is to toss in some parmesan cheesy,

Don’t worry, it’s easy and breezy like Yeezy.

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Go ahead and start the drums,

Cuz you thowin’ in garlic, parsley and breadcrumbs.

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And cuz this ain’t no meal for shepherds,

You gotta Push It with Salt n Pepa!

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Now simmer them for three hours in a fresh sauce,

Just be careful and don’t get lost.

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Don’t you dare, serve them on spaghetti,

Because that’s an American thing, just like Fetty.

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